Tips for Removing Your Underwear From Your Crack in Public

April 24, 2014

lady gaga HBS
(Seems Lady Gaga has a member of staff for every occassion )!

I must admit that it’s been a long dry spell of late being busy in so many different directions I have strayed from the Blogger’s path and haven’t shared anything new for ages. So I am extremely grateful to a friend of mine, ‘Stan the Man,’ who came up with a writing competition and give us a varied choice of subjects from which to choose.

Not that it was that hard for me to chose, as something of a connoisseur of the female derrière, an avid people watcher and a keen observer of the female rear I felt especially drawn to the subject of;“Tips for Removing Your Underwear From Your Crack in Public.”

I also spotted within the rules that it was possible to gain extra credibility by combining more than one subject from his list, and could instantly see my way to linking my main subject choice with “Do-It-Yourself Surgery Potential Problems” and “I’m Scared of My Kitchen Appliances,” by stressing the potential dangers of trying to cure the problem yourself with the inappropriate use of kitchen appliances.

However, my thought of suggesting ways of using the elephant, once you’ve trained it of course, to remove the offending garment by means of suction has been discounted because I can’t find an appropriate picture and will have to leave that idea to your imagination.

I digress, although I do think at this juncture for our more delicate or ill-informed readers a slightly more detailed explanation of the problem, together with a few facts and clues as to why it seems to be a modern phenomenon with little or no historical comparisons, or none that I can find anyway, seems appropriate.

First, for those with little or no first hand knowledge of what Mr. Stan is alluding to or hasn’t a clue as to why anyone would wish to wear their under apparel in such a manner let me enlighten you. Old hands at experiencing such incidents may wish to carry on reading on the assumption that you may actually learn something new, there is after all a fair amount of history and science involved here including the first true anti gravity experiments conducted on human beings.

little6

OK, not wishing to put too fine a point on it there is no easy or delicate way to explain the problem or its causes without creating acute embarrassment to some and inducing hilarity from others so I will jump straight in, so to speak.

It is nothing more than the affect of walking down the sidewalk with the cheeks of you buttocks becoming more and more apparent, through your outer garments, with every forward step.

It is not, as you may think, some sort of rebellious fashion statement by the younger generations. It is actually an embarrassing fashion malfunction called H.A.S. or H.B.S. depending on your country or neighbourhood of origin. In my refined neck of the woods it is simply called Hungry Bum Syndrome.

HBS is what you see as the knickers of the male or female ride up into the cheeks of the buttocks, the term Hungry Bum comes from the notion that your arse is so hungry it has actually started to eat your underwear.

When viewed from the rear this malady should not be confused by the rapidly spreading condition, but one thankfully largely confined to the female of the species, and can best be described as a W.T.B. Or a Well Thonged Butt, which is, of course, quite deliberate and has no further bearing on this particular study but I reserve the right to add a picture or two for added clarity.

HBS is usually caused by ill fitting underwear, and in part husbands, boyfriends or other significant male partners may be responsible by answering the following question incorrectly….. “Does My Bum Look big in This ?” Although I have to admit the reason why any woman would actually want to buy or wear a garment that makes her bum look big is quite beyond me….

Other direct causes of HBS can be put down to the faddy fashions of wearing skimpy or tight fitting outerwear over the cheap static electricity producing man made fibres used in modern knickers.

So bad has the condition become these days that it has been my misfortune, (or luck depending on the bodily shape of the sufferer,) to witnesses the onset of S.B.S. or Starving Bum Syndrome, where the offending garment has disappeared altogether and the malady is only apparent by the pained expression on the suffers face. (The things I do in the name of scientific research) !

So, I hear you ask where and where did such a strange syndrome come from? The answer I’m afraid is one of vanity brought on with the onset of Political Correctness that and the mass media’s desire to comment on everything no matter how indelicate that might be.

VPL

Hands up if you remember V.P.L? Visible Panty Lines ! Caused by wearing sensible knickers under tight fitting trousers made from elasticised fabrics that allowed, with some degree of effort, a size 14 Butt to be shoe horned into a size 12 garment.

Then courtesy of the ever present Paparazzi and their long lenses we were given our fill of pictures of celebrities out in their underwear or showing large VPL’s.

Enter the high legged briefs and the lacy thong, garment so favoured and loved by the givers of painful Wedgies, and Pole dancers, out went VPL and HBS appeared.

thong 1
(Just askin’ fer a Wedgie).

Of course, at the same time we did see the return of the long flowing dress, a wonderful bit of pure ‘Retro’ which left so much more to the male imagination. No HBS here, but it did raise the question “is she wearing sensible undies or perhaps none at all…..” Oh for a sunny or windy day !!!

So you see it is confirmed, HBS is most definitely a modern phenomenon. Granny and her Mother didn’t have any such problems, according to the history books the only Hungry Bum they ever referred to was the one they were married to at the time.

Hands up all those who remembers the movie Bridget Jones Diary ? Remember her Bloomers ? Affectionate known by anyone over fifty as ‘Passion Killers,’ trust me, nothing said “Keep Off The Grass” louder than encountering a pair of those on any exploration trip !

bridget jones pants

bloomer2

Right Ho, now that we are all up to speed upon the subject problem we return to Stan’s original agenda “Tips for Removing Your Underwear From Your Crack in Public.”

Of course this will have occurred on a hot, sweaty day when you are right in the middle of a large town or city, miles away from any logical comfort stop when you suddenly realise that half of your underwear has disappeared up your butt and you just have to drag it back out there and then without attracting the attention of every male within an eight hundred yard radius.

You realise of course that here I am assuming Stan means that it is a woman who finds herself in this predicament, like me he knows perfectly well that a bloke would just go for it like you see them doing in the middle of a tennis match or during any other ball game. (no pun intended, OK maybe a little pun intended.)

Mind you some of the younger generation I’ve seen lately seem to treat it as an occupational fashion hazard and have actually been known to ask for help…however of course she may encounter the ever present sadistic Wedgie provider who lurks within any teen invested group.

rino-wedgie
(Go On ! Give me a Wedgie… I Dare You )!

However, for the more mature lady who finds herself in the predicament and in the absence of Stan’s trained elephant, or the afore mentioned kitchen utensils, one can only suggest you walk as quickly as your dignity will allow into the nearest clothes shop grab an armful of garments off the rack and ask for the changing rooms. Plus, you have the added bonus that if he so much as sniggers you can instantly punish him by buying the most expensive thing in the shop.

Attempting to do the deed in an un-crowded public area is not recommended due to the increase of CCTV cameras everywhere. Do it just once and you can almost guarantee you will be the star attraction on the Christmas edition of ‘OOPS TV.’

Not to mention that practically every mobile phone has a camera attached for instant download to Face Book…

Nope! A public grab and tug is just far too risky, better to put up with the watering eyes for a bit longer.

Although all of a sudden I see a new career as a caped crusader rushing to the aid of a fair damsel in distress, and under the protection of his voluminous cape assistance can be safely if not speedily administered.

Alternatively there’s always the St. John’s Ambulance Tent on the Corner !

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4 Responses to “Tips for Removing Your Underwear From Your Crack in Public”

  1. Raani York Says:

    Dearest Merlin,
    I just saw this post when I checked mine. I swear I didn’t peek before I published my post! But it’s really funny we posted about quite similar subject!
    Only that yours made me crack up, while mine was just “generally funny”… as always.
    You’re such a GREAT writer!!!
    Thanks for this laugh, I needed it!

  2. merlinfraser Says:

    Thanks for your comment Raani, I love to make people laugh and if that brings a few tears of joy then hat’s fine as well.

    I enjoy reading your Blogs as well and you deserve the list of awards I know have.


  3. Mate, there’s nothing worse than hungry undies. Or even worse, ones where the elastic has gone and they’re hanging down. It’s all a sad case of last years undies on this years bum. Like you I admire a fine female bottom, especially when it looks like two possums fighting in a pillowcase when they walk. 😉
    Cheers
    Laurie.

  4. merlinfraser Says:

    Hi Laurie… As opposed to two Volkswagen Beetles parked under a tarpaulin you mean !

    You’re the photographer how about making it your next project, as for me I’m a sucker for long legs in tight jeans, knee length boots and a short bum freezer jacket…..


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