Student Howlers.

March 31, 2014

Dunce

Proof, if proof was needed that the youth of today are smarter than us.

These are all genuine answers taken from ‘A’ Level student examinations I suggest you say a quick prayer for the future of mankind and then read on. (PS I corrected the spelling and removed the TEXT Speak, or you would be here all day… the grammar I left alone).

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert, which they cultivated by irritation.

Ancient Egyptian women wore a loose fitting garment which began just below the breasts which hung to the floor.

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Moses went up Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments but he died before he ever reached Canada.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Jacob stole his brother’s birthmark.

Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.

Unleavened bread is bread made without any ingredients.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods’s

When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus she went off and sang the Magna Carta.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

An epistle is the wife of an apostle.

Holy acrimony is another name for marriage. (Not sure that one is wrong).

Christians can only have one wife, this is called monotony. (I’m saying nothing).

The Pope lives in a vacuum. (not sure why this one’s on the list either.)

The patron saint of travellers is St. Francis of the seasick.

Paraffin is next in order after Seraphim.

It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn’t have history.

The Greeks invented three kinds of Columns: Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also invented myths.

A myth is a female moth.

One myth tells us how the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stinks until he became intolerable. (I think David Cameron’s mother must have done the same thing.)

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.

There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.

When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

The Romans conquered the Geeks. Their leader Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.

The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.

When the Ides of March murdered him he expired with these immortal words upon his lips, “ Tee Hee Brutus !”

Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged.

King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery with brave knights riding on prancing horses and beautiful women…

TheKing Alfred conquered the Dames.

King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.

Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw.

William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

Gutenberg invented the Bible. Magna Carta ensured that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak…..

People contracted the blue bonnet plague, which caused them to grow boobs on their necks.

They also put on morality plays about Ghosts, Goblins, Virgins and other mythical creatures.

Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsey he made him a cardigan.

Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

When Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.

Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

AMERICAN HISTORY.

During the Renaissance America began.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

The Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the
hill rolling their war hoops before them.

The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.

Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the American Revolution was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.

The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of the Country.

The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent.

Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.

Lincoln said, “In onion there is strength.”

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

And So to Europe :

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.

The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.

The Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks.

Napoleon wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

My Dad says the sun never sets on the British Empire cos God doesn’t trust them.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

[In the nineteenth century…] Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Geography

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

English Language & literature

Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.

Shakespeare lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.

Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.

Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.

Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

Music

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.

Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Science

Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.

Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the “Organ of the Species”.

Madman Curie discovered radium.

Some scientists think that the sun may have something to do with global warming.

I’d say the World is in pretty safe hands….. Wouldn’t you ?????

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5 Responses to “Student Howlers.”


  1. Lot of head shaking going on here Merlin. I love the King Arthur one.

  2. merlinfraser Says:

    Hi Laurie…. Kinda makes you wanna be one of those Knights….

    You what the y say, ” Once a King always a King but once a Knight is enough !!!”

  3. Raani York Says:

    Okay, Merlin… I was just reading your post, sitting in front of my office computer. And believe me, it’s hard work to keep laughter under control when reading this.
    I’m fascinated of the perfect interesting in history… you’re right – we don’t have to worry! I figure by the time they become politians, business people and dictators, we’re hopefully gone. LOL
    And I definitely love the bread without ingredients and of course the canonized Joan of Arc! 😉 Thanks for sharing this, Merlin. I had just so much fun!

  4. merlinfraser Says:

    Hi Raani,

    You’re right by the time it really gets serious we will be beyond worrying about it., Although the problem I see is that the longer we live the more chances we will see our worst fears coming to fruition.


  5. […] on from my recent Blog on Student Howlers https://merlinfraser.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/335/ I continue my search for examples that our planet will be in safe hands after us #’Baby […]


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